You seem to have tapped into a well of experience and knowledge today! Your comment with Robert about your son being a life learning opportunity resonated with me as well. As a soccer dad, when my son was an early teenager, I struggled at first to navigate his preference for a radio station on our way to or from practice. My own childhood verged on WWIII over my tastes in music. Newly bought 45s (who remembers them?) sometimes landed in the coal furnace... I decided to not re-enact my childhood with my son. Suspending my own judgment about his choices, I proposed that we take turns selecting a station. So I demonstrated some acceptance that his choices were not deal breakers. And he had a chance to listen to classic rock and classical music. Yeah, really. My tastes vary somewhat. Suspending judgment helped me be more accepting of my son. Respecting his tastes brought us closer together. Surprise!!
It was magical to read this this morning. I'm going to think about why that is...but this writing really hit me.
Especially the above passage.
What it makes me think about is transferring fear as if it were advice. And trying to exist in a space of caring and concern while nurturing growth.
Then I had a tinge of awareness that I may have used this trait to the disadvantage of others. And maybe I even seek out what you describe as lonely ...
Thank you Bob! I'm grateful to know you found something to think about from BFN today. My most powerful teacher in this area is my relationship with my son. I came to realize that to support his growth, I had to let go of my fear(s)...to not only allow, but to encourage him to choose for himself and roll with the results.
Interesting how many of us want others to make our decisions for us. I am thinking about why that is...
Hi Gail -- it's an area ("how many of us want others to make our decisions for us") I'm dealing with this across the business.
Interesting how it applies with family and work!
There are at least two categories where I struggle:
1. Where I have assumed or expected that they have more desire for growth and development than they may actually want. (They may want independence in doing their job but not to build that).
The family equivalent of this may be when I want to "live through my kids" with sports and friendships.
2. Where they want to create and own the idea but cannot overcome the obstacle of fear to reputation.
The family equivalent may be one of my kids only want to do things he's naturally awesome at.
In both of these at work I have been able to see the deep love of work but have a difficulty navigating with how to lead -- or even if I simply -- as you also point out -- need to "lead myself."
I can only speak for my experience (although I expect it applies to most everyone)--I have been rewarded my whole life for being a good listener and following directions. My defense mechanism was to get involved in as little as possible where people had the opportunity to tell me what to do. I hit rock bottom in a kindergarten classroom when as an aide, the teacher had me peeling down the paper on crayons for an afternoon.
It has taken a lot of muster to observe and think about this for myself--to watch "authority" crop up and how I react to it. The act of observation helped me to see my own authoritative tendencies--primarily with my son. It is freedom for us both when I can now say..."I trust you to make your own decisions. I'm here if you have questions."
Both the guru and the person receiving advice suffer.
Fear about reputation--the attachment to ego and our reluctance to become--yes! I've been there, too.
I've sat on sidelines watching lots of parents wanting to live through their kids. I found it painful.
Isn't it amazing about how quotes from Lee Thayer keep coming up. There is a hardly a day goes by or for that matter a portion of a day when one of his phrases arises to enlighten a moment. I had the privilege to work with Lee almost right up to his passing. Phrases standout for sure but for Lee these were most effective rather when fashioned as questions: Do you surround yourself? Who won't let you default yourself? What might your life be like if you didn't default yourself? Where are you leading yourself well? Where not? My shake it up question for today is "What question if asked and answered would make it impossible for me to remain as I am?" Followed by "what if I always got what I choose and if I believed I could choose for all humanity what choice(s) will I make... right now, this moment?" Any questions?
And, do you always get what you want? Coffee, why do you ask? Coffee and assuredly caffein inclusive... one cup or on occasion two. ( usually weekends..today). In my heyday, I would drink 15+- cups a day. Someday I'll write about what happened when I went cold turkey off coffee.
Another Thayerism is front and center rephrased into a question "Can you bestow a benefit on an unwilling recipient?" And in prep. for an upcoming FLP thinking about "Advice" "People can only tell you what they know. The problem of what you need to know is yours". ( in pursuit of your cause). Any questions?
I do not always get what I want...my strategy has been to not want very much ... at least for myself.
Do you always get what you want?
The coffee is for me! Haha!
No! One cannot bestow a benefit in an unwilling recipient. Or...is it: Yes, and.... it might take a lot of tiny steps to show them why they want said benefit.
Yes...and I've received the most valuable gift I could have ever hoped for...a supportive cadre challenging me to become..to reach for my potenial...to keep going. More valuable than any possession. I'm thinking about Wisdom of the Sands...
You seem to have tapped into a well of experience and knowledge today! Your comment with Robert about your son being a life learning opportunity resonated with me as well. As a soccer dad, when my son was an early teenager, I struggled at first to navigate his preference for a radio station on our way to or from practice. My own childhood verged on WWIII over my tastes in music. Newly bought 45s (who remembers them?) sometimes landed in the coal furnace... I decided to not re-enact my childhood with my son. Suspending my own judgment about his choices, I proposed that we take turns selecting a station. So I demonstrated some acceptance that his choices were not deal breakers. And he had a chance to listen to classic rock and classical music. Yeah, really. My tastes vary somewhat. Suspending judgment helped me be more accepting of my son. Respecting his tastes brought us closer together. Surprise!!
Same here...not radio stations...but activities and friendships vs. solitude.
Thanks for sharing your experience Gary!
Hi Gail!
"I’d tease
or point out the negatives
attempting to keep them in a box
because if they became somebody new"
It was magical to read this this morning. I'm going to think about why that is...but this writing really hit me.
Especially the above passage.
What it makes me think about is transferring fear as if it were advice. And trying to exist in a space of caring and concern while nurturing growth.
Then I had a tinge of awareness that I may have used this trait to the disadvantage of others. And maybe I even seek out what you describe as lonely ...
Powerful and insightful for me Gail... wow!
Thank you Bob! I'm grateful to know you found something to think about from BFN today. My most powerful teacher in this area is my relationship with my son. I came to realize that to support his growth, I had to let go of my fear(s)...to not only allow, but to encourage him to choose for himself and roll with the results.
Interesting how many of us want others to make our decisions for us. I am thinking about why that is...
Hi Gail -- it's an area ("how many of us want others to make our decisions for us") I'm dealing with this across the business.
Interesting how it applies with family and work!
There are at least two categories where I struggle:
1. Where I have assumed or expected that they have more desire for growth and development than they may actually want. (They may want independence in doing their job but not to build that).
The family equivalent of this may be when I want to "live through my kids" with sports and friendships.
2. Where they want to create and own the idea but cannot overcome the obstacle of fear to reputation.
The family equivalent may be one of my kids only want to do things he's naturally awesome at.
In both of these at work I have been able to see the deep love of work but have a difficulty navigating with how to lead -- or even if I simply -- as you also point out -- need to "lead myself."
I can only speak for my experience (although I expect it applies to most everyone)--I have been rewarded my whole life for being a good listener and following directions. My defense mechanism was to get involved in as little as possible where people had the opportunity to tell me what to do. I hit rock bottom in a kindergarten classroom when as an aide, the teacher had me peeling down the paper on crayons for an afternoon.
It has taken a lot of muster to observe and think about this for myself--to watch "authority" crop up and how I react to it. The act of observation helped me to see my own authoritative tendencies--primarily with my son. It is freedom for us both when I can now say..."I trust you to make your own decisions. I'm here if you have questions."
Both the guru and the person receiving advice suffer.
Fear about reputation--the attachment to ego and our reluctance to become--yes! I've been there, too.
I've sat on sidelines watching lots of parents wanting to live through their kids. I found it painful.
Isn't it amazing about how quotes from Lee Thayer keep coming up. There is a hardly a day goes by or for that matter a portion of a day when one of his phrases arises to enlighten a moment. I had the privilege to work with Lee almost right up to his passing. Phrases standout for sure but for Lee these were most effective rather when fashioned as questions: Do you surround yourself? Who won't let you default yourself? What might your life be like if you didn't default yourself? Where are you leading yourself well? Where not? My shake it up question for today is "What question if asked and answered would make it impossible for me to remain as I am?" Followed by "what if I always got what I choose and if I believed I could choose for all humanity what choice(s) will I make... right now, this moment?" Any questions?
I reference my notes from LT quite often.
My question...Do your questions come with a cup of highly caffeinated coffee? 🙄 Choose for all of humanity? Gulp!
And, do you always get what you want? Coffee, why do you ask? Coffee and assuredly caffein inclusive... one cup or on occasion two. ( usually weekends..today). In my heyday, I would drink 15+- cups a day. Someday I'll write about what happened when I went cold turkey off coffee.
Another Thayerism is front and center rephrased into a question "Can you bestow a benefit on an unwilling recipient?" And in prep. for an upcoming FLP thinking about "Advice" "People can only tell you what they know. The problem of what you need to know is yours". ( in pursuit of your cause). Any questions?
I do not always get what I want...my strategy has been to not want very much ... at least for myself.
Do you always get what you want?
The coffee is for me! Haha!
No! One cannot bestow a benefit in an unwilling recipient. Or...is it: Yes, and.... it might take a lot of tiny steps to show them why they want said benefit.
Through your strategy haven't you gotten what you want?
Yes...and I've received the most valuable gift I could have ever hoped for...a supportive cadre challenging me to become..to reach for my potenial...to keep going. More valuable than any possession. I'm thinking about Wisdom of the Sands...
Le Moo!
(That’s French cow speak)
Whoa!! I was just reading about Julia Child and the art of French cooking. 😂