Caught

Dearest BFN family,

On February 7, I fell… literally.
On February 11, I fell… figuratively.

In my confusion and pain, I stopped showing up here.
Thank you for welcoming me back with grace and understanding.
There is good reason we are connected.

Two things, Gail Lynn… There are two things you NEVER want in your life!
Do you hear me?
Do not allow either of these into your life.
Understood?

• The first is debt. Never charge something that you could not pay off instantly at the same moment you charge. Do not carry debt for anything other than a home… and maybe a vehicle.

• And second, C. Do not allow any of your cells to go rogue and metastatic. Malignant is a word you must expunge from your vocabulary. If you ever get cancer it will grab and mangle you like a Volkswagen Bug lifted, carried, and tossed in a tornado. You will suffer. Everyone who loves you will suffer. Most likely you will whither, shrink, and die in a sterile room amid the chirps and beeps of machines.

Hi.
My name is Gail.
I have triple negative breast cancer.

On February 7th I slipped on icy asphalt. A recent bone scan shows a crack in my tailbone. It has been painful… especially when walking my beloved Henny. Do you know what? We keep going.

On February 8th, I had a mammogram and ultrasound. I knew there was a mass. Henny found it. The week before Thanksgiving she threw her head or shoulder into my chest.

Ouch! Dammit Henny!

For more than a week the area was sore and sensitive. There was something hard in there that I assumed was scar tissue. I waited and watched. After about three weeks I called and scheduled an appointment with my OBGYN. I made no mention of the lump and got an appointment in mid January. It’s just scar tissue.

“It could be scar tissue,” she said, “but let’s schedule that mammogram.”

On February 10th I had a biopsy. Around noon the next day, I was not only a new woman standing in an ever changing river… I had shifted my entire identity. Now I am a cancer patient, intimate with the industrial medical complex, sliding in and out of imaging equipment in gowns and robes.

For almost four weeks I have lived and breathed the C I was never supposed to allow.
Shows how much control I have over the vagaries of life, eh?

I have felt fear, anger, and sadness since my diagnosis.
I watch those feelings and emotions float in,
I give them space… sometimes tears,
and then I allow them to float away and be replaced by acceptance, grace, and love.

At my first oncology visit, this is what my wonderful doctor printed in all caps after
Goals Of Treatment:
CURE
Those four letters are my focus.

For almost six years now I have been writing it out one post or letter at a time. Gail 0.1 has kept going and growing.

Gail 0.5, 1.3, 3.6, 5.4, 6.3 Go, Go Go.

I choose to believe that cancer is a gift and an opportunity for me to learn more… and share my truth along the way.

Thank you for walking with me.

I believe I’m about to settle into a regular schedule of Thursday chemotherapy infusions without any additional medical appointments. Whew… the Volkswagen has landed. Outside of the breast mass, my body is clean, strong, and healthy. I have received nothing short of professionalism, kindness, and care from my care providers. For the most part, the entire system has run like a triple crown winning thoroughbred. I am grateful to see that a cancer diagnosis is not the the picture that once lived in my head.

I hope to resume my gratitude letters to Flourishing Fictions contributors soon.

I am one blessed woman.

Love to all,

G

P.S. I have been allowing the muses to tell the story of C at 3musesmerge.substack.com. Cal, Tal, Nia and I invite you to join us there if you are interested.