challenge
stretch
provoke
question
encourage
invite
my flock
appeals
to
my
best
nature
calling
not
who
they
want
me
to
be
rather
who
I
can
become
Me: I do not feel like my inside order is a mess. I feel strong and complete. That said, I also feel ineffective.
Fellow Flocker: "I feel strong and complete. That said, I also feel ineffective."
Isn't this a contradiction?
Me: Well, yes! If you want to nitpick.
Everything can be this; everything can be that. ~Chang Tsu
Dear fellow flockers:
Can we feel strong and complete while improving our skills, becoming?
Does the process of learning involve periods of ineffectiveness?
You make me want to be a better (wo)man.
I hope I do the same for you.
I/Thou,
Gail
Being complete is about being in the moment. Being ineffective is about expectation in this moment that we are more than we are. We are all complete when we are now here. We are ineffective when in the moment we have expectation to be somewhere but we believe that we are no where and the somewhere might possibly be beyond our reach.
Through my cancer I lost my identity. I had lost my health, my career, my house, my retirement. I found myself in a state of no where without a clue of who I was. There have been millions of tears over the past 7 years in my struggle to define who I am. The thing is I was measuring myself up against the American Ego. Through tissues soggy and boxes emptied, I learned that I am enough. My essence never changed. I still love unconditionally, my joy is still children, I still fight for the under privileged, I advocate for rights, I'm a humanitarian. In healing my identity, I found a gift of being an artist and writer. I still do not have a place to call home, or all of the comforts afforded the ego that says I'm somebody in life. There are so many people who turned their back on my plight of losing my comforts and identity in both family and friends. My treatments for the cancer left me questioning at times why I fought so hard to live, when all was lost and now I wanted to die. I was not complete outside as they cut my body away to save my life. I have spent hours sitting by the river in Texas in meditation and prayer. Mostly i would say, i dont even know what to ask for God, just don't let me suffer anymore. And then I would write and do art and just be now here. And then my new normal of constant pain and fatigue was not as important.
My book still isn't published, but it is finished. And somehow in the process I discovered I am always complete, and if I live each moment as if it were my last, I am always effective.
You are beautiful. <3
Me: Well, yes! If you want to nitpick. Love your answer Gail.